Let’s be honest. Once upon a time, when someone bumped into you, you’d get a polite “Excuse me.” Now you get a blank stare. Or worse, they act annoyed at you. The other day, I was pushing a stroller on Shabbat when not one, but two scooters clipped me. First the kid, then the parent. No “sorry,” no “are you okay?” Just a light shrug and a scooter wheel mark on my ankle. Is this really what we’re calling basic derech eretz?
And don’t get me started on kids walking into someone’s house like it’s their own. No “hello,” no eye contact, just a direct line to the snack cabinet. When did that become normal? When did it become revolutionary for a child to say “please” or “thank you”? I recently praised a 10-year-old in shul who never fails to say Shabbat shalom to every adult. I even went out of my way to thank his parents. To me, they might be raising the next gadol hador. That’s where we’re at. Common decency has become cause for celebration.
Midrash Vayikra Rabbah 9:3 teaches, “Derech eretz kadmah laTorah.” Proper conduct precedes the Torah.
So, what happened?
Some of us grew up with parents who ruled with a firm hand (and possibly a shoe), and we swore we’d be different. No forced handshakes with every adult in the room. More chill. More gentle. More “tell me how you feel about throwing a toy at my head.” And somewhere between validating feelings and vacating authority, we forgot to teach our kids how to say “thank you” to a cashier or “good Shabbos” to a stranger.
Let’s talk about the parenting buzzword that’s taken over every WhatsApp group and mommy blog: Gentle Parenting. At its core, it’s a beautiful approach. It’s built on empathy, emotional connection, and respectful boundaries. But somewhere along the way, it’s been twisted into a kind of parenting witness protection program, where consequences go to disappear. I’ve actually heard someone say, “I don’t want to damage my child’s self-esteem by correcting them.” Really? No one’s asking you to scold your child. We’re just saying to hold them accountable when they act like basic respect is optional.
Let’s set the record straight. Gentle parenting is not code for passive parenting. It doesn’t mean you avoid saying “no” like it’s a four-letter word. It doesn’t mean your toddler gets voting rights on bedtime. It means setting boundaries with kindness. It doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries altogether. Respecting your child doesn’t mean ignoring bad behavior. It means guiding them consistently and calmly so they can grow into people who respect others, not just themselves.
And it’s not just the kids. Adults are cursing in front of toddlers, yelling across shul, and calling their kids’ teachers by their first names like we’re all in a 1990s sitcom. There’s a widespread case of entitlement, and it’s contagious. “But I’m teaching my child to be confident.” Confidence without respect is just masked arrogance.
There’s actual research to back this up. Psychologists like Jean Twenge have written about the rise in narcissistic traits and entitlement among youth, which is linked to overpraising and underchallenging. When “you’re so special” becomes the parenting motto but “you still have to wait your turn” is left out, we raise children who think rules are optional and manners are outdated.
Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski z”l said that middot are the foundation of Torah. Rebbe Chaim Vital wrote that refining one’s character traits is even more important than mitzvah observance. What does that mean in practical terms? If you’re keeping kosher but can’t stop yourself from snapping at your spouse, we’ve got work to do. Torah isn’t just about what you eat. It’s also about how you treat the waiter who brings you your food.
So, what can we actually do to bring back middot?
1. Stop outsourcing character.
Your child isn’t going to magically pick up derech eretz from school alone, especially if they come home and see you yelling or being disrespectful. Middot are taught by example. Model the behavior you want to see, even if it means working on your own character in the process.
2. Join a shiur or learn with your kids.
Pick a book like Orchot Tzaddikim or Pirkei Avot and learn it together. Not in a “let’s fix your bad behavior” kind of way, but in a “let’s grow together” kind of way. You’ll be surprised—kids have a strong radar for hypocrisy. But they also admire parents who walk the walk, not just talk about it.
3. Enforce small, sacred habits.
Remind your child to greet others politely. Model saying thank you out loud. Make eye contact. Stand when elders enter the room. It doesn’t have to feel like the old country, but your home should reflect values of decency. If we don’t deliberately teach kindness, we’re teaching something else by default.
Let’s be honest. We’re not trying to raise perfect kids. We’re trying to raise kids with manners. And that starts with parents deciding that middot aren’t optional. They are the foundation of who we are. As the Gemara (Yevamot 79a) teaches, “There are three distinguishing traits of the Jewish people: they are merciful, they are bashful, and they perform acts of kindness.”
These traits aren’t just nice to have. They are national identifiers. And as Rav Wolbe writes in Alei Shur, the goal of education is not to raise successful children, but refined ones. Children who become gedolim in character, not just in confidence.
And it starts with each of us.